It wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Yes you can have a brownie after you eat a healthy dinner. Yes you can rough house, in the playroom. Yes you can wear that hideous skeleton t-shirt as long as you wear a turtleneck underneath so you don’t freeze on the playground. “Find the YES,” the family therapist, who I used to see suggested almost a year ago in response to the constant conflict I was getting into with my then four year old son. He was exhibiting lots of very contrary and controlling behavior, and I was worried that I was over my head, and as a single parent I felt even more stressed. I couldn’t say to a partner; “Can you please take him for a minute, I’m going to scream.” My brother was nearby, but a phone call away is not close enough some times. The counting to ten quietly while taking deep cleansing breaths? That wasn’t happening either.
This is wildly normal for the age, and between a son and his mother, and as an adoptee the therapist reassured me. I came to her feeling stuck and frustrated with my son and my parenting. Every interaction between us was seizing me by the chest. I could feel myself slipping on the boxing gloves when he would just open his mouth to demand or whine about something. We needed an energy shift. Quick. “See if you can find the yes in every request he puts out there, and make it work for both of you.” This sounded simplistic and mass produced as advice went. But, as golden gloves go, this one worked. Because Sam came to expect a yes, he started to frame things differently too. “Mom, after Marcel and I pick out our clothes for tomorrow can we..” It is easier than I thought it would be, and it continues to create more ease in our lives. Well, when I don’t forget. It is hard to yell and say yes at the same time!
I have started to consider the wisdom of the idea in other areas of my life too. This came about when I was hesitant to join a protest to something, in favor of another approach. But, I didn’t know what the better approach was. Remember the Just Say NO to drugs campaign which I believe turned into HUGS not DRUGS? Neither of which I recall did much good. (A quick Internet search on the efficacy of the Just Say No campaign found many articles out there stating the same thing: telling someone not to do something seldom works.) Wasn’t it Mother Teresa who said; ”If you hold an anti-war rally, I shall not attend. But if you hold a Pro-Peace rally invite me.” Isn’t that like finding the YES?
My point? Learning to live with a four year old effectively may present a model for success in many other areas too. This isn’t rocket science, but I always appreciate it when good parenting seems to have larger life resonance too. For example, what would the impact be on some of my own difficult patterns if I can find the yes more often? Yes I can exercise for fifteen minutes even with a cold. Yes, I can go online and “socialize” that way for half an hour, after I write my friend a handwritten card first. Yes, I can find some way that my neighbor is trying his best to be kind to my kids, and model kindness back towards him with my smile. Yes I can find moderation in areas of my life that often feel so fraught with extreme ultimatums self imposed or not. Because extremes and ultimatums sounds an awful lot like living with a four year old to me. So, yes to moderation is something that I can find in other relationships and areas too.
