“Suspended between worlds…half in and half out.”
For months now, I have been scared. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to be doing and with those feelings comes a sense of guilt and a subtle panic, like I am mad at myself as to why I didn’t have all this together before she came. But then little moments of enlightenment come maybe her manifestation will help me turn into the REAL me. I wish I could have known the real me all along, to help me figure out what it is that I was destined to do and what it is that I want to do.
I didn’t know that I truly desired a natural childbirth when I first learned I was pregnant. The conception of my baby girl may not have been totally intended; however, her spirit was honored even before she came into my body. I had carefully considered what it meant to me to be a mother, and what I could offer this little being. It’s only fitting that then I would come to the conclusion that she deserved to have the opportunity to arrive in this world in her own time, on our own terms.
For these last nearly five and a half months, I have been seeing a doctor here in Milwaukee with whom I have not been totally at peace. As a massage therapist/healer myself, working with energies and being constantly aware of a person’s aura has made me very sensitive. I suppose not having a lot of family or resources here also brought a sense of naivety and guilt with just accepting the first doctor I came across, no matter how inviting, small and home-like the office may have felt. Beyond the fear of hospitals and strangers freely sticking their fingers in me- detached from my journey-solely because I’m just a number- in the system, and they’ve seen ‘this’ thousands of times. My womb, my intuition, my sweet-pea was anointing me all along to find a midwife.
“The process of human childbirth is a normal physiological process perfectly designed by nature to bring babies into the world. It is an instinctive, primal experience that has its own rhythm and pace which should be respected and honored, and works best when interfered with as little as possible. Women should have as much control as possible in determining their care, and should be encouraged to be active participants in decision-making and self-care. When informed, supported and encouraged to follow their own instincts, women can be active givers of birth rather than passive receivers of birth technology.”
I read these words on the website of an experienced, licensed and trained midwife here in the Milwaukee area, and I knew then, this is the journey I was destined to take. After a two-hour phone consultation with this midwife angel, I quickly learned that my discomfort and suspicions of my doctor had been true. She knew him very well…and all she said was, “your intuition warrants a change in caregivers indeed”. Along with the encouraging philosophy of this midwife, there was a wealth of knowledge and literature to glean from this woman and for these reasons, I choose to have a midwife for the birth of my first child:
• Act as guardians of natural childbirth and well women, care-providing birthing women with support and guidance to ensure a healthy pregnancy, labor and delivery with minimal intervention.
• Understand that pregnancy and birth are normal processes, and work to optimize the well-being of mothers and their babies as the foundation of care giving.
• Approach the experience of childbirth as far more than a physical event, perceiving it as a profound emotional, mental and spiritual Rite of Passage for both mother and child.
• Respect the dignity, integrity and response-ability of the women they serve, recognizing that the primary caretaker and most important determinant of a healthy pregnancy and positive birth experience is the woman herself.
• Work in partnership with mothers, their families and their communities, helping them to explore their options and make informed decisions based on their unique circumstance.
I know that this experience won’t just be life-altering for me but a testament of a miracle for those closest to me, who will be there with me as my ‘sweet-pea’ makes her debut into this world. The simple fact that I was told-while married to my ex-husband, that I wouldn’t be able to have children without a medical miracle – too much scarring, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome damage, uterine fibroids and more. Yet, in the event of a ‘Divine Miracle’ all that is needed is an open heart saturated with love and hope and greatness beyond human understanding. This is the mindset for life that I’m used to having.
I feel stuck in a job that forces me to conceal stress during the day, holding back emotional outburst, ligament discomfort surrounded by overly hyperactive, at times, disrespectful, hormonal teenagers. Six classes of attitudes, frustrations and disturbing energies that I am obligated to carry throughout my day. As I midwife these children into appreciating education and life one moment at a time, my heart silently cries out for a midwife of my own to help me navigate through this ‘transitional posture of discpmfort.’ HELP ME, is what I scream through my smiles, hugs, advice, reprimands, instruction and periods of total disorient-ness. HELP ME! HELP me find my way back to what matters most again, my balance, my peace in holistic-body, mind, spirit living.
The Universe wants the best for us, and is willing to bestow these gifts(of strength and empowerment) upon us if we are willing and able to accept them. I look forward to this miracle journey and finding my way back to creativity and undying passion, away from the enslaving educational system and mundane classroom instruction that I have settled for right now. In the same measure of strength that I was able to position myself into an anxiety free-butterfly pregnancy and birthing experience. I have to do the same for myself in regards to my career/calling. For this journey, I will be more than honored to leave this legacy of strength to my ‘sweet-pea’.