On November 2, 2010, a Midwestern mommy blogger started a bit of controversy when she posted photos of her five-year old dressed as Daphne from Scooby Doo for Halloween. Wondering what was so controversial? Well, her five-year old – is a boy. I initially was made aware of the situation when a friend of mine sent me a link to her blog and less than week later, while I nursed my son and my husband got ready for work, I was surprised to see Sarah, the Midwestern Mommy blogger, defending her choice on The Today Show. The segment was titled “Is it okay for little boys to wear dresses?” and joining Sarah was Dr. Harold Koplewicz, president of the Child Mind Institute and Cheryl Kilodavis, another mom. Kilodavis, an African-American mother, recently authored a children’s book called My Princess Boy, based on her own son, Dyson, who expressed an interest in wearing dresses in preschool and continues to do so at the age of five. Kilodavis discussed her initial reluctance to allow her son to wear dresses but that she ultimately concluded that her son’s happiness was more important than society’s rules for gender. In a brief clip of an earlier interview with her husband, he appeared completely supportive of allowing his son to wear dresses.
My girlfriend sent me the email followed the link with a single question: what do you think? As liberal as I say I am, I have to admit, I was at a loss. My husband, however, was clear on his opinion. Can you guess? The thing is, if one of my sons came to me as an adult and told me they wanted to wear dresses I would deal with it and as long as he was happy and safe, I would support him the best way I know how. However, if my three-year old expressed a desire to wear dresses, the answer would be much less black and white. The topic stayed at the forefront of conversation in my household for weeks – primarily because my husband was uncomfortable with my ambiguity about the subject and I was uncomfortable with his seemingly indignant opposition to the idea.
For him, it all boiled down to the fact that boys don’t wear dresses. He made no apologizes about opining that such behavior was unacceptable in society and would leave him vulnerable to bullies and harsh judgment. For me, I had to really dissect what was at play here. My response would all depend on my ability to differentiate between what was just childhood experimentation and a possible life style choice. And even if that differentiation could be made, I still wasn’t sure if it should matter. If my son expressed a decision to dress as a girl and I knew it would ultimately result in him identifying himself as transgendered later in life, I was pretty sure any early discouragement on my part may play a role in him embracing that part of himself and possibly remaining in the closet… or worse. If you are wondering what’s worse consider that the suicide rates for gay and transgendered youth are much higher than heterosexual youth. My mother always tried very hard to make it clear that I could tell her ANYTHING and I would still have her love and support. It is my biggest goal to create the same environment for my boys.
On the other hand, I would be reluctant to stifle my sons’ individuality. A couple of weeks before I heard about this story, I was shopping in a toy store with my son and he saw a little baby doll. He immediately expressed an interest in having the doll. While my visceral reaction was to pick up the doll and toss it in the cart, I then started to think: what will the spouse think? What if my son wants to take the doll to school? If I chose to say no, the only explanation I could think to offer was that boys don’t play with dolls. Luckily, he was distracted by a Thomas, The Tank Engine and I got that instead. However, I couldn’t help but wonder how much damage I would cause by taking these little chips at his individuality. Would he wonder what else boys didn’t do? Would he feel bad for wanting something that boys shouldn’t want?
As a young woman raised with two brothers and now a married heterosexual woman with two sons, I find the roles of men in society very confining. Men, especially black men, are constantly told to be macho, aggressive, don’t cry, watch sports, be a provider – not a nurturer, etc, etc. Just how much should these social and cultural norms effect my son’s definition?
Consider this, when I was 20, I studied abroad in Senegal, West Africa. I remember walking on the campus at the University of Dakar and being stunned at how men walked arm and arm or hand in hand across campus. Were these men gay couples? I wondered. I later learned that in Senegal, it was socially acceptable for men to be more affectionate. Like women here in the US, men felt comfortable embracing or holding hands as a purely platonic gesture. Such gestures surely would send a different message here in the states.
If rules on what boys can and cannot do are stemmed in culture and society, where is the wisdom in continuing to place these burdens on our boys? Would reactions have been the same if it was a little girl dressed as Spiderman? Would I have had the same hesitation if I had a daughter and she asked me to purchase an action figure? As a parent, I want my children to be extraordinary. Where do all these rules and restrictions leave them room to be anything other than ordinary?
