April 24, 2014

Planet of the Naps

The day I woke up with nappy hair, my husband punched me in the face, jumped out of our second story bedroom window and immediately started fucking the white woman next door. I would not have known what happened but for the swinging blinds beating against the windowpane and his warm imprint lingering in my bed. I stopped for a moment to feel sorrowful, the breeze from our open window forming goosebumps on my skin, but then realized I was probably a lesbian so it was all good.

I yelled “Goodbye!” to my husband from the window he left open and took my time emerging from my bedroom. I did not feel like showering and could only put together clothes that did not match and earrings that were loud and cheap. Confused and stupider, I emerged from my bedroom only to find my house in disarray. My children had gotten into my collection of lint and decided to throw it all over our living room. Unable to find the broom or vacuum, I bent down and swept it up with my hair. When it came time to wash it, as hard as I tried I could not remember how or if I ever had. I felt lazy, craved chicken and suddenly felt an overwhelming urge to smoke weed laced with crack with Trick Daddy. Adorned in lint, I could feel my naps grow tighter, my skin grow darker and my lips grow fuller and fuller. A thin shield of ash formed across my skin and the more I licked it, the ashier I became.

I left for work late because I forgot to pay attention to the time and on the way out, I asked the garbage man to watch my kids and to give me five dollars for the bus ride there. Mistaking me for the raccoon that had been terrorizing our neighborhood, he pulled out a stick and hit me over the head. By the time I came to, he had already fled, leaving the garbage piled up in our front yard. Enjoying the smell, I sat amongst the garbage for a moment licking my ash and thinking about how much I loved salt and welfare. During my walk to work, I felt itchy and angry. I battled with deciding whether to steal something or protest. I decided instead to dance, scratch, and yell incoherent things to the people walking in and out of the local Starbucks. A police officer tried to arrest me. Despite my waning intellect, my superior athletic skills proved no match as I outran him through the streets of my town.

Remembering I had to go to work, I stopped off at McDonalds to dance and scratch with the patrons outside the store. Loving it, I enjoyed a super-sized value meal and took a nap on top of the ball pit under the slide in the children’s play area. The manager woke me up to join me in a short dance and scratch but then asked me to leave because I was distracting his employees. When I finally got to work, I had trouble getting in. Although the door was unlocked, I felt more comfortable sneaking in a window and I had trouble finding a window that I could break, instead of just opening. When I finally made it in, feeling hungry, sneaky and violent, I snuck into the break room and stole everyone’s food and drink. I wrote menacing notes in place of the food in breath fog and spilled flavored drink all over the floor without cleaning up. I took another nap before heading to my office. I dreamt about drug crimes, Hip Hop videos and yelling the word, “Bitch.”

When I finally found my way to office, my boss was waiting and fired me instantly. Among other things, he declared that my hair made me blacker and accused me of lying on my application about my Native American lineage. On the way out, none of my co-workers made eye contact. One, a cross-dressing black man named, Tyler Martin, did a short dance and scratch in solidarity, which, despite my unemployment, made me laugh all the way down the elevator and out of the building. I loved to laugh. When I exited, the police officer I thought I had outrun was waiting for me with handcuffs. I was indicted, convicted of Being Nappy and sentenced to life wandering the continent of Africa. The Judge offered to suspend my sentence if I agreed to serve three hours in a local beauty salon and be treated with Affirm Hair Relaxer and two packs of Indian Remy 1B hair. I chose the latter.

I’d like to thank Wendy Williams for her thoughtful commentary on Viola Davis’s choice to go natural for the Oscars for inspiring me to turn my life around. I would also like to thank hair relaxer, the people of India and celebrity hairstylist, André Walker.

Note: This post was fiction and meant to be satirical. Any feelings that were hurt in the drafting of the post were purely accidental. The author of this post is a mother of two who recently decided to go natural. Surprisingly, her husband has not left her, she kept her job, she continues to fight the urge to scratch and dance and she has not entered a life of crime. In fact, she thinks she looks kind of cute.

Tiara Faith McCray

Tiara Faith McCray

Tiara is native of New York City and reluctant resident of the DC Metro Area. She is a writer in her heart but a lawyer by profession. She is a wife and also a mom to two boys. She is a self proclaimed and self loving oddball. She is determined to find both spirituality and happiness and like any true totalitarian matriarch, impose both on her family. She is wise enough to know that this may not happen simultaneously.

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Moving from Adversity to Global Action

What do you do when your life or the life of some one you love is threatened by an unknown ailment? For most of us, we head to a doctor or an emergency room. We call on the knowledge of specialist and we have faith that they will see us through. And as scary as it may get, we take comfort in the fact that we have access of some sort.

My family is dealing with a medical issue that has, and I say this as honestly as I can and with no trace of exaggeration, scared me like nothing I have ever experienced.  And I’ve – we’ve been faced with some doozies.

My husband has a 6 cm nodule on his thyroid that may or may not be cancer. And in the time that it took for him to drive five minutes to the urgent care facility near our house (a trip that he made for something completely unrelated to this) and be seen by the on-call doctor, our lives changed drastically. In a matter of minutes, my family’s security has been dismantled and I am finding it hard to see the future…

Read More at A Million Moms

Kristina Daniele

Kristina Daniele

Kristina, Founder and Oz of We of Hue is one of many doing it across hues-homeschooling, wifing, mothering, and business building. She is a web designer and social media consultant with a love of building communities on line. She looks forward to intelligent conversation that is eye-opening and statement-making.

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When the dark, comes to light.


My teen love story – over a number of posts I will be sharing my first love story.  As you read over the coming posts, you will understand that I had to purge the past.  I must say it has helped me heal some. Part 1 is here.

Months later I’m in my room and my mom bursts in the door and demands me to pull my shirt up.

WTH!!!

I’m stunned and don’t know why.

She had a dream…she is hollering and demanding me to expose my breasts. She looks for swelling and gently squeezes my nipple.  Oh Lord, milk…I want to DIE.  I’m pregnant and didn’t even know it?

Before I know it she is beating my ass, she is kicking my ass and I don’t even fight back I’m so mortified and ashamed. My grand mother breaks it up.  My mom is sobbing, I’m sobbing.

I just want to DIE.

We avoid each other for 2 days.  I miss school for the 1st day.  I called him to tell him and he’s stunned but happy.  Explains it’s not the best situation for us, we’re too young, but he’s happy and wants to do this.  Through tears I explain how it went down and he doesn’t understand my mom’s reaction.  We argue.

“I’m her only child! I’ve let her down!”  I hang up.

When my mom finally does talk to me she is crying and explains she was waiting until I was 16 to talk to me about sex.  I’m crying and apologetic.  She leaves me.  We avoid each other for days, seems like an eternity. He’s unreachable.

I want to die.

Educate parents rather than banning homemade lunches

Yeah…you read that right.  How does that make you feel?  It would be a bad day any day somebody would tell me I can’t send my child’s lunch to school.

“Nutrition wise, it is better for the children to eat at the school,” principal Elsa Carmona told the paper of the years-old policy. “It’s about … the excellent quality food that they are able to serve (in the lunchroom). It’s milk versus a Coke.”   Principal Carmona needs some educating. She’s looking ignorant. I get their issue:  milk vs. Coke.  I respect their concerns but not how they go about resolving the issue.  Address the parents individually that pack unhealthy lunches for their children.  DUH.  Educate those ignorant to the labels on packaged foods and explain the affects of high salt and high sugar on their child’s behavior, you don’t decide for the entire school to ban lunches from home.  Banning parents from sending lunch promotes ignorance. It’s my prerogative as a parent to send my child’s lunch and if I send it they better eat it.  Better yet, as a stay at home mom – don’t make me come up there during lunch time to sit with my child and watch them eat MY lunch from home.

As a parent I have my concerns about school lunch.  Is it fresh? Is it delicious?  Will my child eat it?  Are the portions large enough?  If it’s a hot meal, is it served cold or warm enough? Was it prepared with clean hands? Did the staff wear hair nets? When was the last time the cafeteria was inspected?  What grade did it receive? Is the USDA doing their job? *side eye* Let’s address all of that.

The issue has now become telling me, as a parent, what I can/can’t send for my child’s lunch.  NOBODY can tell me that, I’m not having it and I am sure I am not alone on this issue. Educate the parents sending the unhealthy lunches and leave the rest of us who have common sense alone.

 

original article: http://yhoo.it/fKml73

 

Pascha Dudley

Pascha Dudley

Pascha Dudley is a wife, mom, contract paralegal and freelance editor. She writes The Posh Blog, www.theposhblog.com and is a Social Influencer for an online retail forum. She resides in Suwanee, GA with her family.

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Keep it Healthy Thursday: Weight management during the holidays

Thanksgiving was a couple of weeks ago and Christmas is right around the corner. The holiday season is in full swing and you know what that means – office parties, house parties, New Year’s Eve’s parties, the list of parties goes on and on. Most people equate the holidays with weight gain and are ready with that New Year’s Resolution to lose weight.BUT this is a fallacy! You can enjoy the holidays, indulge in great food and you don’t have to gain weight! Impossible you say? Ha! I know it can be done, during the holidays last year I lost 20 pounds – 20 pounds! And I indulged. So, based on my experience I want to give you a few pointers to help you maintain your weight this holiday season.

1. Remember – everything in moderation! If you want a piece of pie, have a slice. But just one! Don’t make the mistake of baking a pie and keeping it at home. Have a piece and give it away. My friend still reminds me that I made pumpkin squares last year for Thanksgiving that were rich and indulgent. I tasted the pumpkin squares but left them at her house for her family to enjoy. No weight on my butt! LOL

2. Alcohol – I know that we all like a celebratory glass or two during the holidays. Try a wine spritzer by mixing wine with tonic water. Doing this cuts both the calories and the amount of sugar that you ingest. If you want something heavier I suggest vodka low in calories and you can mix it with flavored water and a little bit of juice. Keep drinks simple, cut back on the sugar and you won’t waste calories.

3. Eat something before going to a party. Have a small healthy meal and arrive at the party with a partially full stomach. This will keep you from over eating. I’ve also found drinking water to help with maintain a feeling of fullness.

4. Get moving! After a big dinner or the day after a great party be sure to move your body! Go out for a walk, run, or even dance around the house. Do something physical to burn off some of those calories.

5. Enjoy yourself! Don’t spend so much time counting calories that you don’t enjoy your meals. The holidays and the food that accompanies the holidays come around once a year. Don’t beat yourself up for enjoying some of the yummy foods. And if by chance you do end up gaining weight, shake it off and start exercising and eating right in the New Year!

Renee Ross

Renee Ross

Renée is a woman, a mother and an advocate of healthy living and social responsibility.

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Keep It Healthy Thursdays: The Healthy-Living Fanatic!

My name is Renée and I’m a healthy-living, fitness fanatic. Okay, that might be stretching things a little bit. Let me start again. My name is Renée and over the past year I’ve lost 50 pounds. I’ve gained a few and lost a few but overall I’m holding pretty steady at the 50 pound mark. I didn’t do any extreme dieting and I lost the majority of the weight in six months. I truly believe in the motto slow and steady wins the race and after shedding the weight I decided to make a new goal – to run a Half-Marathon.

I’m proud to say that on October 17th, 2010 I completed the Nike Women’s Half-Marathon in San Francisco alongside 20,000 of my fellow runners/walkers. And during my training with a little help from my friends, I raised over $5000 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society. I’ve accomplished quite a bit in the past year. It hasn’t been easy and my journey to healthy living continues to be a journey.

Most days I do okay with my eating but like everyone else I sometimes struggle with motivation – to exercise, prepare healthy meals and just stick to my plan. But I recognize that I am human and I will backslide. I attribute my successful weight loss to sharing my journey with the world – the good, bad and ugly. This has not only made me accountable but I believe I have helped many other people that are just beginning or even in the midst of a similar journey.

In this column I plan to continue to share with my you both my successes and my failures and I continue down this path of living healthy. I will remain accountable and hopefully provide you with some practical advice that you can apply to your life so that you may reach your fitness goals. Remember, nothing ventured – nothing gained. I didn’t get serious about my weight loss until my third time and each time I made my attempts public. Although it was slightly embarrassing my experience has been real. If I can do it you can do it. What are you waiting for?

Renee Ross

Renee Ross

Renée is a woman, a mother and an advocate of healthy living and social responsibility.

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